Re: The Jokes Thread!!

[Paladin]

My wife's just like Heather Mills.

She only wears half the f**king shoes she buys.

[Paladin]

I nearly pissed myself the other day in a curtain store when a Muslim kid ran up to some black drapes, grabbed them and screamed, "Mummy"

[Paladin]

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

[Paladin]

I think that France's ban on face veils for Muslims is right out of order.

I wouldn't want to be seen in France either.

[Bristol LH]

A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra,size 32AAA. They don't do a bra that small. She goes into La Senza& asks for the same. They don't do one either. After several stores & the same answer, she storms into Debenhams, and marches up to the lingerie department, pulls her top off & yells 'Have you got anything for these?' The assistant asks her..'Have you tried Clearasil?'




My missus came home drunk yesterday afternoon. While she was trying to get undressed, she fell over 7 knocked herself out. Her knickers were round her ankles and her pussy was clearly on show...There was no chance I was going to miss an opportunity like this!! So I went out with the lads!



The church service was ending 7 the collection had just finished. the preacher saw a £50 note in the plate and stoped the service. He then said 'whoever put the £50 note in, please stand up'. a gay man stood up & said 'I did'.
The preacher told him 'for your generosity, I will let you pick 3 hymns'.
Excitedly, the gay man looked around and said 'I'll have him, him & him'

[Paladin]

Paddy struggling down the road with a wardrobe, a friend says "hey Paddy why dont you get Mick to help you"?? to which Paddy replies "he is, he is indside carrying the clothes"!!


I got kicked out of the local hospital last night.

Bloody unfair. They shouldn't have signs up saying 'Stroke patients here'.



Have you heard about the new Anti-Depressant for lesbians called Trycoxagain?

[peanutbutter]

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

=================

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms
=======================

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

============================

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

================

I went to see my neighbour and knocked on their door. The lady of the house answered, I thought she looked a bit odd. I asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I'm afraid' she said.

'Oh dear, that's awful' I said 'What on earth happened?'

'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it'

I didn't know what to say. I asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. I enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said.

So I asked her, 'He didn't say anything about a tin of red paint did he?'

[Daisy Dart]

CATHOLIC COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist,
34" hips.
When she walks into a room people say,
"Oh My God."

[City Sprinter]

A roman cannibal found out his wife was cheating on him.

He's gladiator.

[Room Upstairs]

I was on the bus staring at this girl's tits.

Then she said, "Are you deaf? Single to city centre please."

[Daisy Dart]

Doris, Effel and Fanny are three sisters who all have large feet. Doris' feet are size 8, Effel's feet are a size 10 but Fanny's feet are a whopping size 12. Anyway Doris and Effel go on a blind date to a local pub. They meet up with their dates, two good looking chaps, and the drinks begin to flow. After a while one of the two chaps they are with points out that both ladies have large feet.
"Well" The sisters say in unison. "If you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fanny's"

[Bristol LH]

If you take a white girl's virginity, you pop her cherry..going on that theory if you take an Indian girl's virginity, do you pop her dom?

[Daisy Dart]

NEWSFLASH: Doctors are concerned that the average UK penis size is growing. In an effort to study this they are asking all UK adult makes with a penis less than 2" in size to make themselves known, by displaying a white flag with a red cross on their cars.

[Paladin]

A new DVLA policy has come into effect today.

Any driver deemed to be of substandard driving ability must place a white flag with a red cross on their car, on account of being a stupid c*nt.

Additional flags are sometimes called for in cases of extreme incompetence and if they drive Audis, BMW's or 4X4's.

[Daisy Dart]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of guys from out-of-town, who went and sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother, John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for his Brother John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

[Daisy Dart]

Q) What do you call a fat slag from out of space?????


A) Meaty-Whore!

[Pukerlicious]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[Daisy Dart]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your honour, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[Daisy Dart]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them & they make you cry."This infuriated his wife & daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother smiles & answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty & hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are just for decoration...

[Relaxer]

THIS IS A RUDE ONE. BE WARNED!

A woman goes to her doctor for the very first time.
He is so gob-smacked by her stunning beauty (she looks just like Gates McFadden from Star Trek) that all his professionalism flies through the window!

He said to her 'take your trousers off' so she did & he rubs her thigh.
He asks 'do you know what I'm doing?' She said 'yes, checking for abnormalities'

He then said 'take off your shirt & bra' so she did & he started rubbing her boobs!
He asked her 'do you know what I'm doing now?'
She said 'yes, checking for cancer'.

The he said 'take all your clothes off & lay on the floor naked' she she did.
He starts bonking her & said 'do you know what I'm doing now?'

She replied 'yes, getting AIDS. that's why I'm here!'

[Sponsored content]