The Jokes Thread!!

[Paladin]

Every forum's gotta have one


I'll start off.........


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartend er and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!


The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[Paladin]

And another....

A day in the life of a stereotypical Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van driver

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van lane.

Anyway, once I was in the Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a Audi/4x4/BMW/White Van!

[Daisy Dart]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Paladin]

love it

[Daisy Dart]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

[Daisy Dart]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he Noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little Ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the Middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet and the wagon was being Pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a Nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles... 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's Collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but Then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Daisy Dart]

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation.He decided to ask him one more time.. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!

[pupsikky]

whats the difference between jenson button and adolf hitler?
one of them knows how to finish a race

[pupsikky]

abstinence makes the church grow fondlers

[pupsikky]

what do you call a meerkat with a lisp?
thimples

[pupsikky]

what kind of ham smells of curry?
birmingham

[pupsikky]

in the news
indian curry loaded with salt
thats good.i always thought the salty taste in my rogan josh was due to it being jizzed in by the waiter i just insulted

[pupsikky]

you know you have had a good curry when it,s spicier coming out than when it went in

[pupsikky]

oven=xbox for women

[Bristol LH]

Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion, and have finally got a white cock that brings tears to a womans eyes!

[Bristol LH]

An old drunk goes into church and into the confessional box.After a while, the priest gets fed up with waiting for him to speak, so taps on the shutter. 'Are ye alreet in in theyr?' the priest asks. 'No' replies the drunk. 'Oive just realised theyrs no feckin toilet paper'

[Bristol LH]

A man was riding his motorbike along a California beach when suddenly in a booming voice God said, ' because you've been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you 1 wish!'
'Build me a bridge to Hawaii' said the biker.
God replied ' Its an enormous undertaking to build over an ocean, it would use up all the steel and concrete in the world, I can do it, but its hard to justify. Is there anything else you can think of that i can do to help mankind?'
The man thought for a second, then said, 'I wish all men could understand women. I want to know what she is thinking when I get the silent treatment. What she means when she says nothing's wrong & how I can make her truly happy?!'
God replies 'You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?'

[Daisy Dart]

A gay man walks into a jewellers store and proceeds to drop his trousers and his underpants. He then bends down in front of the horrified shop assistant and begins to finger his rectum. The shop assistant squeals for him to get out of the shop or she'll call the police. The gay may calmy pull up his pants and points to the sign on the counter that says "Try your ring size here!"

[Daisy Dart]

The only way for Mr and Mrs Jones to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son, Peter, in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

Peter began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' Peter shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Peter's Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

[Daisy Dart]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[pupsikky]

i was hiking in spain and saw a man hanging from a cliff
he shouted "do you speake english?"
i ran to him and shouted"just cling on"
he replied "ack tooy maj highos"

[pupsikky]

that ethiopian boy is so thin he could hang glide from a dorito

[pupsikky]

after sex i like my women to be like my car
outside on the road leaking various fluids

[pupsikky]

susan boyle should go on facebook
at least she will have a chance of gettin poked there

[Paladin]

The Boomerang.

A Frisbee for ginger kids.

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